In its infinite wisdom, The Search Engine That Shan’t Be Named allows me to access the search queries that drive traffic to this blog. In an effort to connect with my readership, and because frankly, some of those queries are proper bonkers, I’ve decided to address them all in one post. You’re welcome.
About Kent
Incriminating posts: Tried & Tested, P&O Ferries Club Lounge, Dover, Margate’s Strange Shell Grotto, Beautiful Deal, Dover War Tunnels
➤ “Kent seaside crossword clue“
Ah! I see I’m not the only one who cheats at crossword puzzles. Depending on the number of letters you’ve got, it might be Dover, Deal, Ramsgate, Gravesend, Whitstable, Broadstairs, Margate, Herne… It’s difficult to tell without seeing your grid. Maybe try using the Crossword Solver.
➤ “Do they paint the White Cliffs of Dover?“
I had to triple-check that I wasn’t reading this one wrong. I wasn’t. Then I checked again, and the question was still there. I don’t know what prompted it, and I’m not 100% sure I want to know, but here we are :
The answer is no. No, they do not paint the White Cliffs of Dover. They are white because they are mainly made of chalk. I can’t believe you’ve made me type those words with my own fingers.
➤ “Can you see Calais from Dover?“
Yes, you can absolutely see France from Dover provided that (1) you’re standing on the White Cliffs and (2) it is a clear day. You can also pop £1 into the coin-operated tower viewer by Langdon Hole to see Calais’ famous town hall. From the other side of the Channel, you can see the English coastline from Cap Gris-Nez.
About Crete
Incriminating post: The Ghost Island
➤ “What’s the Greek leper island called?“
It’s called Spinalonga (Σπιναλόγκα), and it is located in the Gulf of Elounda in northeastern Crete. It was one of the last active leper colonies in Europe when it closed in 1957, though technically, the last inhabitant left in 1962.
You can read the full story here.
About SS Great Britain
Incriminating post: Brunel’s SS Great Britain
➤ “What does SS Great Britain stand for?“
According to The Maritime Acronyms and Abbreviations website curated by the Royal Institution of Naval Architects, the prefix “SS” stands for “Steamship“. It originally stood for “Single Screw” (as in “single-screw engine”) but now refers to all classes of steamships by extension.
About the Rolling Stones
Incriminating post: The Rolling Stones Blue Plaque in Dartford
➤ “When were The Rolling Stones formed?“
Though Keith Richards and Mick Jagger have known each other since their school days in the 1950s, and briefly performed under the name The Blue Boys with Alan Etherington, Dick Taylor, and Bob Beckwith in 1961, they only started calling themselves The Rolling Stones in June 1962 after Tony Chapman joined them. The name is a reference to a Muddy Waters LP.
➤ “What happened to Bill Wyman?“
Since Wyman is now 84, I’m guessing the short answer to this question is “a lot of things“. One of my favourite things about him is probably that he designed and marketed a patented “Bill Wyman signature metal detector” (no, I’m not joking). If you’re referring to the Blue Plaque Incident, then you can read more about it here.
➤ “Is Bill Wyman dead?“
No, but let’s not jinx him.
About Wales
Incriminating posts: Out of The Blue(s), Top 10 Things to Do in Cardiff, I Love South Wales
➤ “Café Rouge Cardiff Bay“
I’m terribly sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the Café Rouge on Cardiff Bay closed down a couple of years ago. It’s now a Carluccio’s. And La Chacha is gone too.
➤ “How tall is Leigh Halfpenny in feet?“
Leigh Halfpenny, a.k.a. the most beautiful creature ever to grace a rugby pitch, is 5 ft 10 in (or 1.78 m, for those of us who happen not to measure people in dead kings’ limbs).
About Mads Mikkelsen
Incriminating post: I Watched Polar. I didn’t like it.
➤ “Mads Mikkelsen’s ass/naked/sex scene“
See, I’m having mixed feelings on this one. On the one hand, I do accept my responsibility in the fact that Google points people with those queries to my blog because of my review of Polar, in which I wrote stuff like “there’s only so much Mads Mikkelsen having bad sex you can take”, but on the other hand, get a f*cking grip, people. I get it, you’re horny and Mads Mikkelsen is hot. So here’s the point where I make all of you lose their sh*t for once and for all: in my own personal experience, he’s even hotter in real life. Die mad.
About learning French
Incriminating posts: 10 Songs That Don’t Completely Suck To Help You Learn French, 5 No-Nonsense Language Learning Tips
➤ “Learn French with Edith Piaf“
Why on earth would anyone in their right mind want to do that? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Go sit in a corner and think about your life choices for a bit.
Seriously, this is a terrible idea, and you should definitely not do that. Not only will you end up with an accent no one has heard since the 1950s (and even then, not everybody spoke French the way she sang), but you’ll also be depressed. Instead, listen to literally anything else.
Also, the Venn diagram of the people whose favourite singer is Edith Piaf and whose favourite film is Amelie is a circle — and probably a circle of Hell at that.
➤ “Le Métèque in English”/”Meteque definition”/”Meteque in English”
This one is actually trickier than it appears. I haven’t been able to find an English cover for Le Métèque (George Moustaki, 1969), so I’ve decided to translate it for you, but bear in mind that translating songs is a perilous endeavour. I’ve chosen to try and stick to the original text as much as I could, and some of my choices required me to take some liberties with the English language.
Originally, a métèque was a foreign resident of Athens (μέτοικος, métoïkos). In French, the word gradually became a racist slur that was used to call all migrants who lived in France. In this song, George Moustaki reclaimed the word to call himself a métèque, as he was born in Alexandria (Egypt) to a Jewish family whose nationality was Greek but whose language was Italian — and in France, he was very much a métèque. I chose to translate it to metic, which is the English word for métoïkos (that process, in translation, is called neosemy, where a new meaning develops for an existing word).
Avec ma gueule de métèque
De Juif errant, de pâtre grec
Et mes cheveux aux quatre vents
Avec mes yeux tout délavés
Qui me donnent l’air de rêver
Moi qui ne rêve plus souvent
Avec mes mains de maraudeur
De musicien et de rôdeur
Qui ont pillé tant de jardins
Avec ma bouche qui a bu
Qui a embrassé et mordu
Sans jamais assouvir sa faim
Avec ma peau qui s’est frottée
Au soleil de tous les étés
Et tout ce qui portait jupon
Avec mon cœur qui a su faire
Souffrir autant qu’il a souffert
Sans pour cela faire d’histoires
Avec mon âme qui n’a plus
La moindre chance de salut
Pour éviter le purgatoire
Je viendrai, ma douce captive
Mon âme sœur, ma source vive
Je viendrai boire tes 20 ans
Et je serai prince de sang
Rêveur ou bien adolescent
Comme il te plaira de choisir
Et nous ferons de chaque jour
Toute une éternité d’amour
Que nous vivrons à en mourir
With my face of metic
Of wandering Jew, of Greek shepherd
And my hair blowing in the wind
With my washed out eyes
That make me look like I’m dreaming
I, who no longer often dream
With my hands of marauder
Of musician and of prowler
That have robbed so many gardens
With my mouth that has drunk
That has kissed and bitten
Without ever being sated
With my skin that has rubbed
The sun of every summer
And all that wore a petticoat
With my heart that’s known how to
Inflict pain as much as it has suffered
Without making a fuss of it
With my soul that no longer has
The slightest chance of salvation
To avoid purgatory
I will come, my sweet captive
My soul mate, my wakeful spring
I’ll come and drink your 20 years
And I will be of royal blood
A dreamer or a teenager
Whatever you want me to be
And we will make of every day
A whole eternity of love
That we will live to the death
The meter isn’t quite correct, but I think that it’s entirely possible for the English text to work with the score, provided you can pull a Bruce Springsteen and drop a couple of syllables here and there.
➤ “A playlist of songs that make studying suck less“
I feel you, kid. If I knew it, I probably wouldn’t be procrasti-blogging right now.
Miscellaneous
➤ “Should I be wary of tax avoidance schemes which have recently sprung up as result of the covid-19 virus?”
I mean, yeah. Probably.
➤ “Some people are just arseholes”
➤ “Translate Schadenfreude to English“
Ahahaha! No.
➤ “In the 1990s, singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette titled a song”
Yes. She most certainly did.